


things said when crying

by shirasade



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crying, Early Days, Episode Related, Friendship, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Grief/Mourning, M/M, POV Alec, Tumblr Prompt, second chapter is actual slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-01 11:14:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10920675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shirasade/pseuds/shirasade
Summary: Same place, different times. Jace and Alec, offering each other comfort. Both times their relationship changes.





	1. things you said when you were crying

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr prompt mini-fic](https://shirasade.tumblr.com/post/160705368126/send-me-a-ship-and-one-of-these-and-ill-write-a) requested by anon. First part is kid!fic and canon-compliant, second part is grown-up Jalec and canon-divergent.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace didn’t cry. Not that Alec himself was someone prone to emotional outbursts, but wasn’t it almost expected for children to cry when their parents died?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm afraid I accidentally wrote the wrong prompt - it was supposed to be _things you said when **i** was crying_. So there'll be a second part of parabatai crying, that one probably with actual slash. :)

Jace didn’t cry. Not that Alec himself was someone prone to emotional outbursts, but wasn’t it almost expected for children to cry when their parents died? Alec was certain that Max and Izzy would cry should something happen to mom and dad, and when Alec tried imagining such an event the pricking of tears behind his lids made him suspect he himself might do so as well. Only where no one could see, of course, because he would need to be strong for his siblings. Was that what Jace was doing? Find an isolated spot somewhere to cry for his father?

The thought made something inside Alec clench in painful sympathy. Jace hadn’t been in their family for long, but a part of Alec couldn’t stand the idea of the other boy struggling, hiding his grief. The fierceness with which Alec realized that he wanted Jace to trust him enough to let him help took him by surprise. Especially considering the resentment he’d felt when his parents had decided to take in the son of his father’s old parabatai, even if the sheer force of Jace’s personality and his undeniable skills as a fighter had soon turned Alec’s misgivings into admiration and something very much like awe.

Jace always seemed completely in control, everything coming to him with an ease that Alec couldn’t find it in himself to resent. Not when Jace would turn to Alec with that smirk on his face, cocky and self-assured, and make him feel as if they were on the same level, as if Alec was someone worth seeking out. The idea of Jace with his sunrise smile suffering in silence made Alec almost angry, and he found himself watching Jace out of the corner of his eye, sleeping lightly in hopes of either convincing himself that Jace was indeed as fine as he appeared to be or finding a way to help him somehow.

Still, when he woke one night to discover Jace’s bed empty, Alec lay there frozen in indecision for a long moment before setting his shoulders and sliding out of bed, padding through the deserted hallways of the Institute. He moved silently, on bare feet, his ears straining for any signs of where Jace might have gone. A half-open door caught his eye, and Alec realized that without conscious thought he’d already been moving in the right direction. Where better to go if one wanted to be alone than the roof, after all?

His intuition was proven correct when he spotted the silhouette of a ten-year-old boy perched on the ledge. Jace was hunched over, arms slung around his knees, and while Alec could hear no sound there was no mistaking the tremors running through the usually so sturdy body. Suddenly Alec felt like an intruder - would Jace resent him for interfering? He hesitated and had almost convinced himself to turn away when Jace’s voice pierced the stillness of the night.

“What do you want, Alec?” His voice was rough with tears, but it held no anger, only a weariness that pulled at Alec’s heart, and without thinking he stepped forward until he was by Jace’s side. The younger boy’s shadowed eyes were dark like bruises and were watching Alec vigilantly, almost fearfully. “Just… leave me be. And please, don’t tell anyone!”

“Of course not.” Decisively shaking off the trepidation that had rendered him speechless, Alec sat down next to Jace, close enough to feel the tension radiating off him. Jace regarded him wordlessly for a long moment, then turned his face away, resting it on his knees as he stared into the night. 

Alec wavered, wondering whether he should go after all, but then Jace began to speak, voice barely more than a whisper: “He’d be so ashamed of me. He always said I was weak, that I let emotions cloud my judgement, and I’m just proving him right.”

“What? Jace, no!” Alec’s anger took them both by surprise, as did the gentleness with which he added, “He was your father, it’s okay to miss him. And for what it’s worth, no one can tell. Everyone is really impressed with you, they’re saying you’ll be the best Shadowhunter of our generation.”

“ _You_ could tell, though.” At some point during Alec’s speech Jace had turned his head, and Alec could see the tears still glistening in those mismatched eyes, although his voice was carefully neutral. 

“Well, I… I guess I pay more attention.” Grateful that the night hid the blush he could feel rising, Alec added in an embarrassed mumble, “You’re family now, Jace, and I look after my own.”

Jace’s eyes widened, and for once he looked his age, young and innocent. Then two strong arms wrapped around Alec and pulled him into a tight hug. Surprised, Alec stiffened for a second, then he returned the embrace just as tightly. Face hidden against Alec’s neck, wetting it with tears left to run unchecked, Jace clung to Alec and sobbed, unrestrained, trusting. Alec gently stroked his shaking back, cheek pressed into tousled blonde hair, and felt as if he’d been given a precious gift.

Finally, Jace calmed down a bit, but he didn’t pull away immediately, just lifted his head, and Alec was surprised by the determined look on the tear-streaked face as Jace declared, “You’ll have to show me how, but you’re mine, too, Alec.”

It felt like a vow, and Alec blinked back tears of his own, something deep inside of him uncurling, warm and possessive. Leaning against each other they sat on the roof until sunrise, two boys with the world at their feet and their future stretching in front of them, inextricably linked.


	2. things you said when i was crying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec didn’t cry. (An alternate version of the rooftop scene from 2x05.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the promised second part from that prompt meme. Mentions of homophobia, both external and internalised.

Alec didn’t cry. If there was one thing he’d learned growing up it was the importance of appearing strong, especially when one was on the verge of falling apart. 

It had gotten even more important now that his deepest secret was out - or rather, one of them, the one that marked him deviant but not a criminal in the eyes of most Nephilim. Even so people were much quicker to point out any perceived weaknesses, considering them proof that Alec’s sexuality was a character flaw, made him _lesser_ than the Shadowhunter ideal. It had taken Alec a long time to stop believing that himself, and in moments like this, when his emotions were threatening to burst out in a flood of tears, he could still hear that familiar ugly whispering in the back of his head. 

So he did what he always did: He trained until his arms ached, letting his feelings explode in a flurry of jabs and punches that threatened to unmoor the punching bag, and when that wasn’t enough, he took his bow and quiver and went up onto the roof.

There, in the spot that had become a safe haven for him and Jace ever since the latter’s arrival from Idris all those years ago, he loosened arrow after arrow into the uncaring night sky, wishing he could as easily get rid off the memories that overwhelmed him. He hadn’t slept since the demon attack, because whenever he closed his eyes he saw his own hands rip out Jocelyn Fairchild’s heart, felt the demon’s ugly triumph soar through himself while he was trapped in his own mind, screaming silently in helpless despair.

He was drawing and shooting faster and faster, desperate to lose himself in the comfort of the familiar routine, but although he could feel his hands beginning to bleed it wasn’t enough. His frustration almost made him snap when Jace suddenly appeared in his line of vision. His parabatai was the last person Alec wanted to see right now, with the possible exception of Clary, whose tear-streaked face as she collapsed into Simon’s embrace kept haunting him.

“Hey, same side, remember.” Jace’s words recalled an earlier time, the very first time Alec had laid eyes on the boy whose life, whose very _soul_ would be inexorably entwined with his. Normally the thought brought comfort, but not tonight. Tonight, Jace’s words, full of warmth and understanding, felt like the worst kind of mockery. “No one blames you.”

“Well, maybe they should!” Alec knew he was being unfair, could feel Jace’s sincerity and acceptance through their bond, but he couldn’t help it. The wall he’d built around his emotions was precariously thin, and if he gave in even a little bit, he knew with complete certainty that it would collapse and he would drown in the flood of pain and guilt.

He needed to be elsewhere, anywhere but here, where Jace would keep looking at him with a _love_ that made something deep inside of Alec twist painfully, emotions welling up that he’d begun to hope were dead and buried. Activating his surefooted rune, he made to run, to leave his parabatai and the weight of his love behind.

Before he could jump, however, Jace tackled him, pushing him against the ledge and trapping him in an embrace. Ignoring the fact that Alec wasn’t responding, just standing there stiffly, arms by his side, Jace hissed fiercely, “Oh no, you don’t! You don’t get to run away from me, Alec, not until I’m sure you’re alright.”

“I don’t know what you want from me,” Alec snapped back, glaring into mismatched eyes that were boring into his with an almost angry intensity. Despite himself he could feel his body instinctively softening, unable to resist his parabatai’s closeness, and he forced himself to remain unresponsive. He didn’t deserve this, didn’t deserve Jace’s forgiveness, and if he just resisted long enough, he was sure that Jace would get the message and back off. After all, Alec’s hands had been the ones to kill his mother.

Not that that seemed to faze his parabatai in the least, his embrace unrelenting in its tenderness. “I want you to know that I’m here. Whatever you need, I’ll give it to you. But I won’t let you cut yourself off.”

Jace trailed off, and a tense silence settled over them, two stubborn wills waging a battle, until a hiccupping sob rent the night air. It took Alec a moment to realize that the sound had originated from him, painfully torn from his throat, and he turned his head away, not wanting Jace to see him as another sob escaped him. Jace’s embrace tightened, hands beginning to gently wander up and down the tense line of Alec’s back, breath warm and steady against his neck. “It’s alright, it’s alright. Remember when I was scared to cry after I came to live here - you said it was normal to cry, and that you would always look after me. Now, let me return the favor, even if it’s taken me years.”

Alec choked on another sob, arms finally coming up to cling to Jace, drawing strength from his steady presence as the wave of pain, of grief and shame he’d been so desperately holding back swallowed him whole. He remained nearly silent, but his entire body shook and tears streamed down his face, rendering him speechless except for the occasional gasp of, “Sorry, I’m so sorry!”

“Shh…” Alec froze as he felt the unmistakable press of lips against the soft skin below his ear, but he couldn’t stop crying, and Jace continued as if nothing untoward had happened, “You can be sad, but don’t be sorry. This is what I signed up for, and you won’t get rid of me, not ever.”

Then Jace released his hold on Alec, but only in order to grasp his head in strong hands, forcing him to meet his parabatai’s unwavering gaze. Anyone except Alec would have missed the tiny undercurrent of uncertainty as he stated firmly, “I’m yours, and you’re mine. In every way.”

And while Alec stared, tears shocked to a sudden halt, Jace leaned in and pressed his lips to Alec’s.


End file.
